I had my 12th chemo session on Friday. My mom went with me this time and checked out the process. Once again, the clinic was running behind- nurses had called in sick and all the chairs were full of patients. I had Cynthia as my nurse, whom I haven't had before, she was awesome. Super nice and best of all really efficient. I hope to have her again.
These were the noteworthy events from chemo:
- Dude burned popcorn in the kitchen- not a good smell
- Ran into a patient who I met at Look Good...Feel Better class. She is super excited to be almost done with treatment.
- Jabba was there- I just saw her leaving so that means she is doing better from the whole shortness of breath thing.
- I showed Alexandra to the nurses- she was a total hit!!!
Those were the events of Friday...then came an unexpected sadness.
Saturday I started to realize that I still have a month of chemo, weeks before I have surgery, weeks before I start radiation (unless I have a mastectomy which I really am not ready to accept that possibility), weeks of surgery and then I still will be continuing with 9 months of Herceptin chemo that I will start in July. The length of this process is overwhelming. I am feeling like I will never get back to normal. I am not sure what normal is now that we have a daughter but it does not include being in treatment. I verbalized for the first time how unfeminine I feel. I have made comments about how I am sick of being bald or overweight but really it is a combo of everything. The bald head, weight gain, pale face, fatigue and general yuckiness really is making me feel not at all like a woman- I don't even remember my old self. So yeah, pretty heavy feelings of sadness and frustration. I feel bad feeling these things when treatment continues to go well....maybe I am scared about what the tests will find this week....maybe I question if I should be talking to someone who is about to start their own cancer journey. Who knows.
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6 comments:
Now in writing. Yes Michele, you are entitled to feel ugly,yukkie,and whatever else you feel. Do not feel bad about it . Yes it is true that treatment is going well etc. etc. But it is also true that your treatment is much more ferocious than for a woman in her 40-'s. They need to annihilate your cancer for another 60 years, Your body is strong and can stand these treatments. This does not mean that they are easy either physically nor emotionally, Go with it! Feel sad, scared and sorry but at the same time feel the healing love that so many people have for you and have had the opportunity to show you. And if we are too clumsy to show you, let us know how we can help you bear your burden.
You are truly a real person for sharing exactly how you feel. I think you are more beautiful than you have ever been. I know you are frustrated with your physical appearance and I wish I could take it all away and make you feel gorgeous, because you are. I feel like the luckiest person to have the strongest best friend a girl could ask for. You are going to be an inspiration to the 28-yr old girl. You are an inspiration to me. Soon, your hair, body and skin will change...and maybe a year from now you will finally not be tired! I love you with all my heart.
I bet you aren't going to be the only person that woman talks to about cancer, and it's good for her to hear from people at all stages of the fight, so she can be prepared for the different experiences along the way. I bet she could learn a lot from reading this blog, too, if you're willing to share that with her!
Michele you are human! You have every right to think those thoughts. But I think it takes a strong woman to realize those feelings and an even stronger woman to share those feelings with friends and family. I think every one who reads your blog would agree that you are handling all of this better then any one else would. You have become a rolemodel to a lot of women. So go ahead and have a crappy day or two, but as long as you keep fighting and have more smiles then sadness then you will come out ahead. Alexandra will give you plenty of smiles so you're already ahead as far as I see it!
Hey michele - it was strange reading this right after I saw you because I was just telling everyone how great you looked!! My thoughts are with you - I am sure it is frustrating but the good days seem to be out numbering the bad, and for that we can all be thankful:)
I think we all see the beautiful, strong, loving Michele with her pretty, shiny blue eyes, soft, healthy skin, smile that spills out love for Wes, Alex and her family. Last time I saw you this is what I saw. And everyday you are closer to being done, feeling better. You are doing a damn good job and I send you all my love and support.
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