Hair today...

It is true, look at me- I have hair!!! It is coming in as this ultra-fine fuzz. At first it appeared on the sides of my head and the top really looked like I had some male pattern baldness issues. But lately it has really started to look like a super cropped hair cut.
I decided when I came back to work on July 14th not to wear my wig. It didn't make me feel like myself. When Alexandra was freaked by my appearance with the wig that was pretty much enough for me to realize that I am who I am and right now that is a fresh-from-chemo chick. So I have a short haircut and am feeling good about how I look. It is strange how much my appearance has changed in the past year....I went from being very comfortable with myself to super uncomfortable. All the baby weight/chemo weight that I gained, the hair that I lost and the general blah feeling from the chemo made me sad whenever I looked into the mirror. But then chemo ended and my spirit started to rise. It is not like I have lost all the baby weight/chemo weight or that my hair is looking good, but I feel better about myself. I feel feminine even with my scars, tattoos, fat belly, and buzz hair cut. Crazy.

Speaking of hair cut, I had to go last week to get a trim on my neck. It has been 7 months since I have needed to step into the salon and there I was getting a trim. My hair is this aweful ash color that I can't wait to change but until there is more there, I will hold off. I never lost my eyebrows during chemo but about a month ago, they started to fall out. Then two weeks ago they grew back in...as that weird ash color. I misplaced my tweezers during all this mess because who needed them...well I do now...and happy to tweeze away!!!

Melee update...

I know that it has been a long time since the Michele's Melee event (remember how cold it was), but we have just finally finished up the record keeping and are scheduled to meet with the Wellness Center next week to deliver the donation. Thanks to the kindness and generosity of our friends and family we will be giving them $1000 to help them help local families going through this crappy cancer thing. This is more than we ever thought we could gather for our little event so we are very excited... maybe we can try it again next year.

Thanks a ton to everyone who was involved in the race and/or who donated to this very worthy cause. To anyone who wrote a check, sorry it has taken so long to cash it (I hate when people do that).

If anyone is interested in getting their sweat on again, we are planning to run in the Big House Big Heart 5k in September for fun and inspiration. It finishes on the 50 yard line of Michiagn Stadium and is a pretty good time.

Inch worm: Excitment or Dread?

There are those moments as a father that are a blessing and a curse. We are ever encouraged by Alex's development... she seems ahead of the curve most of the time. We are relatively certain that she is the smartest, cutest, most world dominating baby to come along since records started being kept on such matters. But, there are times, when her baby steps toward baby steps just make me feel like it is all slipping away.

Remember when she was just a lump? Remember when you could put her on the floor to play and go do the dishes? Remember when we had "lots of time to worry about baby-proofing the house"? Those fleeting days have gone my friend. She is, for lack of a better term (and even though I don't think she even knows how she does it), mobile.

Watch out stuffed frog... beware Mr. Woodface... take heed dirty shoes of all shapes and sizes... she is coming for you!

What is radiation evaluation and simulation?

On Thursday, I went in for my evaluation and simulation with my radiologist- Dr. Narayan. He is extremely thorough in his explanation of the process as well as making sure I know everything that he knows. I mean this guy is talking about my surgery results and wanted to make sure I understood how good it was. He is really nice. Anyway, so I knew that this appointment would be roughly an hour and a half...and it was. I met with the radiologist and we talked about the surgery, the radiation- how it would only be in the breast and not in the lymph nodes, side effects- fatigue and skin irritation, and paperwork. The paperwork was just signing that I understood the side effects that were likely and then those that were not as likely but still possible. These are all caused by exposure from the radiation and include fracturing of my ribs, future possibility of lung cancer, and breast cancer.

After the discussion with him, I am introduced to the therapist that perform the simulation. Basically this is the pre-work to my future radiation appointments. They first ask me to put my arm above my head while I lay on what I can only describe as shiny pillowcase. Once I was comfortable the therapist blows up the pillowcase and it only expands where it doesn't have pressure from my body- that creates the shell. Pretty cool. Then they give me as CT scan so that they can figure out the angle of radiation- blah, blah- doctor stuff. Okay, so I am feeling good....had my arm above my head for about 30 minutes at this point with my boob just out there for everyone to see...and then they come over and say that they are going to give me my tattoos. Yeah, tattoos. For those that know me, I have never been a fan of tattoos. I could never wrap my head around having something permanent on my skin that I would think was equally cool when I am seventy years old. Well, now I have 4 tattoos. Wes calls them my prison tatts because basically the chick squirted some ink dye on my skin and poked a needle into the skin to make 4 black dots. I have two on my sides, one under my right armpit and one right in the middle of my chest-between my breasts. It didn't hurt at all- maybe my pain tolerance has grown through this year- but I am not a fan of having these things for the rest of my life. Really it is only the one on my chest that bugs me because I can see it. Robin saw it the other day and thought that it was dirt...not dirt, just my tattoo.

All that said, the radiation starts on August 5th. I think August will be a good month but then the fatigue will begin. The doctor said that women who have gone through chemo feel the fatigue sooner than those that have not. I have been exhausted by the time Friday rolls around from working so we will see how I survive....good thing I can have coffee!!

I think she's feeling better...

Something other than us being sick & tired...

Saturday morning we loaded up the munchkin and her auntie Ro and went to the Art Fair. We have avoided the fair for the last couple years because it is a little annoying to have 30,000 people invade our town in their tank tops and flip flops and meander aimlessly seemingly trying to get in my way. To be honest, when we did go all the time back in the day we really just stayed on the outskirts people watching and drinking way too much at sidewalk cafes so...

But we had a good time and even bought some art (wow!). We bought a photo that is currently in our living room, though it may end up elsewhere. It is nice. Robin bought a beautiful picture of a solitary tree for Michele... something about "your the tree, and the snow is...". Needless to say they were both crying before the whole thing was over. It was quite sweet (which did not stop me from poking fun). We also bought, amongst many little purchases, an adorable little handmade poncho for Alex that she will hate and we will love.

We had a good time even though we got rained on a good deal. As ever when in public, strangers thought it appropriate to talk to me. "She's adorable", "doesn't she look like daddy?". Always older ladies. If I had a picture of me, red faced, smiling uncomfortably, nodding like an idiot, I would add it **here**.

Michele is getting sized up for radiation this morning so hopefully she can post tonight about that experience.

I guess it's a good thing I took her...

Double ear infections! One in each ear. The only reason she doesn't have more ear infections is she doesn't have more ears. Apparently I was prone to ear infections as a child, so let's cross our collective fingers that this isn't the beginning of a trend.

Medication prescribe, filled, and started... hopefully she will be feeling better soon.

Feeling a little rough...

It's been a long time since our last post... the crew has been a bit under the weather for the last week or so (though, we did do some fun stuff this weekend that we can hopefully post about later tonight). Michele's first week back at work last week went great, but wore her out. I was sick Monday/Tuesday (can somebody call Guinness and find out what the record is for the most unexplained fevers in one year?). Alex has been sick since Saturday. Fever, coughing, sneezing, green goo oozing from multiple orifices.

We missed the green nostril bubble by .5 seconds!

So she and I are home today from work and daycare respectively. We started to feel bad leaving our hacking little mess in a room full of other babies. I'm taking her to the doctor later this morning so that she can tell me that it's just a cold and I need to chill out.

Catching up on the last week... and excuse to post pics...

I just realized that we have been missing our normal array of cute/interesting pics for the last couple weeks... please allow me to rectify that situation.

Mealtime (when she is in the mood) has become serious business lately. Alex has worked in to her schedule and gets, let's say "unhappy", if things are delayed beyond a certain point. She seems to prefer speed to accuracy.


She is a rolling fool at this point. No more setting her on the floor and going to do dishes.

We went swimming at my parents house this weekend and Alex was a little upset about the temperature of the water... prima donna. She warmed up when we got her out of the water and let her warm up.

Michele and her sister took a class at William Sonoma on making pizza. Later that night they made us the most deliciousest pizza ever... and even made it with a whole wheat crust for the dieters (yeah, I know it was still pizza, but it was something). I tried to get a pic of the whole pie, but it went fast!

Finally, as we prepared for bed the other night, we checked on ALex and found her sleeping like this...
One leg propped up and hugging her blanket. Tell me she isn't the cutest... I dare you.

Getting back to work

No cute pictures today...I am back to work and it seems like there is no time for anything. But it is a good thing. I am happy to be back because I get to see my peeps. I feel like I am something other than chemo mom, I am now working mom. It is crazy how quickly it comes back- the multitasking, the problem solving, and developing strategic solutions. I am quite happy to be back. I really couldn't have gotten out the door these past two days if it hadn't been for Wes. This is where his planning/schedules really come in handy. He is the best husband to me and father for Alex. I missed Alex terribly but I know she is in good hands- she really enjoys herself at daycare and at the end of the week she will hang out with Wes. I look forward to figuring out the balance between work, motherhood and wife. This will probably take the next 18 years or so...and the plan is to do that cancer free!!!!

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays...

So, today is day one of Michele back to work for real and us pretending to be grownups again. I'll let Michele tell about being back in the lovely hamlet of Warren (she went sans wig!), but so far the big difference for me is in morning prep time.

I remember a day when I was up at 5, shower (no need for shampoo!), dress, make lunches, make breakfast, watch the better part of Sportscenter and at work by 6. Today we got up at 6, Michele took the little one to daycare... and I still didn't make it to work til after 8! Turns out there are a few more steps to the routine now, including:

• label and fill four bottles (all food must be labeled, dated for daycare...every day)
  
• label food
  
• pack Alex's food
  
• wake up the monkey ("ahhh... how cute are you?")
  
• smooches for monkey
  
• change the diaper
  
• more smooches
  
• prepare food for monkey (banana oatmeal!)
  
• feed monkey ("om nom nom... look, I can eat it... come on...")
  
• clean monkey
  
• label clothes (that's right, labels on all the clothes too)
  
• dress monkey
  
• undress monkey to change diaper again (nice timing sweety)
  
• more smooches
  
• oh yeah, smooches for Michele too
  
• load car with baby and stuff, and Michele and stuff, and some stuff
  

I think we may have to come up with a chronological checklist for each morning's routine... yeah, Michele is gonna love it!

Same blog...

...new look. What do you think?

No stone left unturned...

I consider myself a man of simple tastes. I like a good burger, a good scotch, and occasionally a bad reality television program (seriously, have you watched Flipping Out?). My only expectation from life is that it stop kneeing me in the gnads, every once in a while, long enough that I can have a laugh. I'm easy. I don't even mind changing diapers... but...

It was nap time for Alex this afternoon so I threw her in the crib. White noise on, blinds closed, Mr. Frog and binky in place... check, check, check. I usually let her play for a little while and then go back in to let her know it is time to get serious about napping, somehow this actually seems to work. I go in and she is on her belly playing so I roll her over... sweet mother of all that's holy!

I've seen my share of blowouts in the last six months. The leg blowout sorta creeps out past the elastic band and gets on the clothes (think hair net over bad jheri curl). The back blowout oozes up and out of the diaper to schmeer up the spine (think bad, brown Jackson Pollack). I can handle it. But as I roll my beautiful child over I see a new one... the out the front, soak the entire onesie, brown/orange stain on the bedding, wet oval of fecal destruction blowout. Poop on the bed people. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Luckily Michele was home and we teamed up. Strip baby. Strip bed. Jump in shower with baby. Go to happy place. Start laundry. Restart nap. Wash hands in bleach. All while resisting the temptation to take pictures and share it with all of you.

The things you do when you're a parent...

On to normal

This weekend Alexandra has her first exposure to swimming. We went to my brother's house and took a dip in the pool. She really did well. She went under water a couple times and wasn't too freaked. She enjoyed being held the most but we also had her in a covered floaty- the sun is pretty much evil to our fair skin. After a bit she was done with the pool and let us know- by crying. We will try again soon.

My mom reminded me of another exciting event at our house. Some of you may know that we had a hummingbird's nest in our front yard. I had never seen a nest before and was super excited that it took up residence in my yard. I thought it must have something to do with my awesome garden but that might be my wishful thinking. Anyway, I was checking out the nest this weekend and wouldn't you know there were more than one hummingbird. It had babies!!! How exciting. So I included this picture of the nest and babies. The picture was actually harder to get than I thought because of the wind blowing the branch but I think it came out ok.

Cancer free...and still worried?

Surgery was just about two weeks ago. Since then, I have had my follow up visit with the surgeon and oncologist. The results are excellent-
- the two lymph nodes that were removed are benign
- only scar tissue remains in the area of invasive tumor- the chemo killed the tumor
- the tissue taken had over a cm of clear margin- healthy tissue
- this was the best result the surgeon had seen
- this type of result leads to over 85% cure rate
- I am officially cancer free

All really good things right- Right! And yet I find myself focused on the negative. At first it was the surgeon who said that she found ductal carcinoma in- situ (DCIS) in one of my ducts. It was taken out during surgery but of course I focused on the fact that there was another type of cancer - stage 0- that I hadn't known about. After much discussion with both doctors, I found out that this cancer sometimes leads to invasive cancers. It doesn't respond to chemo because it grows so slowly. It didn't show up in the biopsy because they took the sample from the middle of the tumor and this was to the side. Finally, this cancer is treated with surgery and they took it out - No worries. Only I was worried after the surgeon mentioned the DCIS...I had more cancer than originally thought.

The other thing that made me worry was my discussion with the oncologist. We talked about genetic testing and future children. I started these discussions so I should have beeen prepared but it still was depressing. Basically, my cancer does not display as a typically genetic cancer but since I am under 40 she recommends that I get tested because ovarian cancer (also linked to the gene) is much more difficult to catch early. Meaning that if I came back positive, she would want me to take out my ovaries. OK, while we are on the subject what about more children- Wes doesn't see the point if it is a risk to my health. She confirmed that the pregnancy hormones didn't cause the cancer, they just revealed the cancer. If I were to get pregnant again (she would do all sorts of test prior to us getting the green light to try) and I were to get cancer again then it would mean that all this treatment is just extending my life but not killing the cancer. At that point I would be dealing with an incurable disease.

So all of a sudden, I forget that people with my type of progress have over 85% cure rate and focus on the negative. This cancer thing is a huge emotional roller coaster. Now I am pretty positive and if you ask me if I think I am going to get cancer again, I would say no. So why after this conversation do I automatically think that one of these negative possibilities is going to happen to me? No clue. I think it is easy to believe the negative and try to prepare ourselves in case that happens. Now why I am doing that for something that might happen years from now, I do not know. The good thing is that this discussion happened on Thursday and by Friday I wasn't freaked out about it. But I am a bit disappointed in even going there...I know how important it is to stay positive and have done a pretty good job at that this whole time (minus the very beginning when I couldn't imagine having a child and cancer at the same time). I don't know. Maybe I am hesitant to stop holding my breathe and accept that I am healthy and things are getting back to normal.

Happy July 4th!!

A little bit of everything as we prepare to celebrate our nations birthday...

• Alex is working on her second red, white, and blue outfit of the day (the first one is now red, white, blue, and sweet potato orange).
• Michele must be feeling pretty good because she is full of sass.
• Alex has her first tooth! Well, she has a jagged little tip of a tooth ice burg poking out on the bottom. Quite exciting.
• US Presidents who died on July 4th: John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died in 1826, James Monroe died in 1831. We will just be grilling out.
• Michele is officially back to work... she had a conference call this morning and several heated conversations since.
• Alex is sitting up almost like a pro now... with the occasional head bonk mixed in.

Happy Independence Day everyone... have a fun and safe weekend!

6 month checkup

We went for Alexandra's six month checkup with the doctor. In the waiting room she was "talking" to everyone in the room. We then went into the exam room and got her stats:

Weight: 17lbs. 14 oz.
Height: 27"
Head: 17"

That translates into:
the 75% for weight
the 90% for height
the 75% for head

After she had the weigh-in, Wes put her on the table. She immediately started crinkling the paper on the exam table. She would not stay still for pretty much any part of the exam. This is an example of me trying to get a picture prior to the shots and she is such a scwormy girl that she would not sit still. The doctor was happy with her development (rolling, sitting for short periods, grabbing) and her physical stats. She mentioned that she had been tracking the same way most of her life- and no she is not too thin for her height. Our doctor always seems so amazed by Alex's disposition. I value that a lot because I figure she must see tons of kids. She mention that the day care must love her because she is such a great baby. That was nice. We also got the green light to move to #2 foods and introduce water. Our girl is growing up!!